What Made the Onion Funny

The Onion, the satirical publication self-styled as “America’s finest news source,” was recently purchased by a group that includes former NBC reporter Ben Collins, one of the most humorless progressive journalists on social media, who became CEO. This has, predictably, led to very unfunny content. The thread of posts on X during the Trump trial in New York is Exhibit A. Click here to read, if you want to not laugh.

It can be tempting to portray this as the libs taking over and ruining something else, but that’s not really what’s going on here. The Onion was always run by libs, but it used to be funny sometimes. The funniest articles, though, were never especially timely or newsy. When it tried to be timely, it was usually to parrot the progressive line on some policy issue, such as gun control. The funniest Onion articles fell into a few different categories, and they were never the kind of thing you could live-tweet as a news event was happening.

I always enjoyed the ones that were just surrealist humor. For example:

• “National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue,” October 27, 1999. The dateline reads “CHOCOLATE CITY” and postulates funk musicians as members of Congress, with deadpan sentences such as: “The bitter ‘get up/get down’ battle, which has polarized the nation’s funk community, is part of a long-running battle between the two factions, rooted in more than 35 years of conflict over the direction in which the American people should shake it.”
• “Orchestral Gong Player Serenades Crush,” May 11, 2023. “‘Abby, if it’s all right, I’d like to play a song for you that’s very special to me,’ the lovestruck Kenilworth said moments before he would pick up a large wooden mallet, strike a 40-inch symphonic gong, and then count silently to himself for several minutes before striking it once more.”
• “Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again,” October 29, 2007.
• “Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year,” October 5, 2007. “The National Anti-Quartering Association, America’s foremost Third Amendment rights group, held its annual gala in Washington Monday to honor 191 consecutive years of advocating the protection of private homes and property against the unlawful boarding of military personnel.”
• “God Humbled To Be The Answer To ‘Jeopardy!’ Clue,” May 16, 2018. “THE HEAVENS—Saying that being featured on the long-running game show was a dream come true, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Wednesday that He was incredibly humbled to be the answer to a Jeopardy question. ‘Obviously, when I separated the light from the darkness and created all things I wasn’t doing it for the recognition, but it still feels really cool to see my name up on the board like that,’ said the Almighty.”

Funny stories about current events wouldn’t be trying to make a political point, but rather would make fun of some other aspect of the event:

• “Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God,” September 26, 2015. Speaking in Philadelphia on his visit to the U.S., Pope Francis is quoted as saying, “In my travels, I have seen countless examples of man’s inhumanity toward his fellow man, the most utter wretchedness, and the vilest iniquity, but in this place and in these people I see a darkness blacker than all the world’s evils. God has fled this town.”
• “Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job,” November 4, 2008. “African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America.”

Smart, concise wordplay, such as:

• “Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality,” May 20, 1998.
• “Man Prone To Lying Beds Woman Prone To Lying Prone,” November 18, 1998.
• “Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules,” January 22, 1997.

Observational comedy about elements of American culture, such as:

• “Manager Of Combination Taco Bell/KFC Secretly Considers It Mostly A Taco Bell,” April 16, 2018. “That’s why when I hire somebody, I’m not looking for a KFC guy. The spirit of this place is definitely Taco Bell.”
• “F*** Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades,” February 18, 2004. It’s an op-ed that purports to be written by the CEO of Gillette, making fun of the competition in razor marketing where companies advertised how many blades the razors had. Bad language throughout, but hilarious stuff.
• “This Has To Be Year Local Miniature Golf Course Finally Goes Out Of Business,” May 14, 2013. “Locals unanimously agreed there was ‘no way’ the 18-hole course and self-styled ‘Family Fun Center’ could be making any profit whatsoever, citing in particular the Putt King’s sagging chain-link fencing and its faded, nearly illegible rules and regulations sign.”

Stories on ordinary people and events that would never be actual news, but written in the journalistic style:

• “Polka Fan On A Real Harold Loeffelmacher Kick Lately,” April 30, 2018. Polka fan Tim Hahn of Nekoosa, Wis., is quoted as saying, “What can I say? Sometimes, I just get an itch that nothing but Loeffelmacher and the Six Fat Dutchmen can scratch.”
• “Man Calms Down From Violent Rage After Seeing ‘Or Current Resident’ On Misaddressed Letter,” February 11, 2020. “The insult that I suffered upon receiving this piece of mail for one ‘Patrick Fox’—the nerve! My . . . name . . . isn’t . . . Patrick! Alright, Dan, it’s alright, here you are just a centimeter lower — ‘current resident’ — that’s me, alright.”
• “Area Man Could Eat,” October 28, 2010. “Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn’t necessarily hungry, he could eat.”

And their running gag portraying then-Vice President Joe Biden as a weird-uncle character produced many great articles:

• “Biden Requests To Be Named Special Envoy To Reno,” July 7, 2009.
• “Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White House Christmas Party,” December 7, 2009.
• “Biden Receives Lifetime Ban From Dave & Buster’s,” April 20, 2010.
• “Bounced Joe Biden Check Still Taped Up In Delaware Liquor Store,” October 19, 2010.
• “Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of ’87,” September 6, 2012.

Some of these stories involved political figures or events, but they weren’t political humor, really. That was never what made the Onion funny. It was the weird stuff that made you stop and think a second before laughing, and then reading further to laugh some more, and then going back and re-reading it out loud to friends, struggling to get through the piece without cracking up.