The New EV Cadillac Escalade Is a Monstrosity

The forthcoming Cadillac Escalade IQ — the first all-electric Escalade — will be the equivalent of attaching SpaceX boosters to an Arby’s dumpster (one with seven Kindle Fire tablets comprising the dashboard) and then turning around to demand a house down payment.

Expected to be ready for the 2025 lineup, the Escalade IQ will go from zero to 60 mph in under five seconds, weigh several tons, and start at $130,000. With an expected range of 450 miles per charge, a J.D. Power exec told ABC News, “Most consumers will never be able to use the full 450 miles. It’s a remarkable distance.” Now, the exec meant the observation to be laudatory toward the vehicle he’s likely paid to praise (J.D. Power awards aren’t worth their weight in gear oil), but it ends up sounding correct in a less flattering light. Namely, the 200+ KWH battery in the Escalade IQ will get nowhere near 450 miles of range in normal driving conditions.

For those who enjoy distracted driving, the dashboard will be a 66″ curved display, and practically all HVAC controls will be on a touchscreen — GM has also announced that Apple CarPlay (the best vehicle software package) will not be available in its EV lineup. Reflective piano-black plastics, thick pillars, and titanic blindspots will make the interior feel like you’ve spent six figures on a rental car. There will be no hood ornament, and your grandfather would weep at what has been done to the pinnacle of American luxury. Unions, protectionism, and the EPA have done everything they can to force a bloated company to make bad cars. GM took their design suggestions and built a bad car.

There’s nothing wrong with high-end cars or electric powerplants, per se. But the idea that the U.S. auto market is forced to accept a technology that is still underdeveloped and low-scale while the year quickly approaches that auto manufacturers will be required to produce EVs primarily is unacceptable.

Electric vehicles are for those with garage space for charging, multiple vehicles for different applications, and the ability to pay sticker prices. That list does not describe reality for most Americans. Electrification will not work for those parking on the street or traveling in adverse conditions, or who can afford only a single vehicle that will spend much of its life plugged into a wall (the inexpensive EVs don’t get the long-range batteries).

But let’s also remember what we’re giving up. The best auto journalist working today, John Pearley Huffman, writes of the IQ’s predecessor, the dino-masticating Escalade V-Series:

It’s big, stupid, and stupendous fun. This is warehouse-class SUV that pushes its blunt, smug face and hauls its massive, 6217-pound a** to 60 mph in 4.3 seconds. Its exhaust roars with pride, there’s an audible supercharger whine for menace, and it rolls on thick 275/50R22 Bridgestone Alenza A/S 02 all-season tires around wheels of the appropriately stylish diameter. It is all of the most arrogant things rendered in shiny sheet steel and shiny plastic on shiny wheels. So, of course, the first thing many new Escalade owners do is have theirs covered in a matte wrap.

What’s clearly best about the Escalade V-Series is that supercharged 6.2-liter V-8. . . .

GM needs the insanely profitable Escalade V-Series (and all the other Escalade variations) so that it can finance the electrics it has coming. There’s something ironic about a gas-slurping hauler (R&T got about 12 mpg while it had it) like the Escalade V-Series making the money needed to render it obsolete. The big question for GM is if it can make electric vehicles that make this much money, too.

Similarly, Cadillac’s Escalade IQ is likely a high-margin item that will stem the bleeding while the manufacturer tries to keep from the deep red while dumping billions into a technology that isn’t ready for prime time. What the IQ won’t do is put a smile on everyone’s face the way a supercharger’s audio feedback paired with sudden chest compression makes the happy chemicals fizz behind one’s eardrums.

Then there’s the environment. Should the Escalade IQ share the same weight and emissions number as its cousin, the Hummer EV, the IQ will produce more emissions than some gas-powered sedans. Egregious.

If the Cadillac shield was historically a symbol of American excess, the new monochromatic badge — as lifeless as an HGTV backsplash — adequately communicates just how compromised American auto manufacturers and their regulators are.