The French recently initiated the first salvo in what will one day be called the Franco-Sconnie War. In a protectionist fury, the French demanded that Belgian mercenaries destroy a shipment of Miller High Life — a Milwaukee-originated beer destined for Germany — because the American company describes its suds as the “Champagne of Beers.” The use of the term “champagne” apparently breaks EU policies that prohibit the description of any beverage as such unless it originates in the Champagne region of northeastern France — as any wiseacre at the bar will inform you.
When one considers the enormity of this action by the bubble-juice-drinking Frogs and the broader European bloc, the words of a Prussian war poem, “The Queen of Prussia’s Ride” (from A Metrical History of the Life and Times of Napoleon Bonaparte, ed. William J. Hills, 1896), come to mind. Allow me to take some liberties with the original text and adapt it to present circumstances:
The Champagne of Bier’s Doomed Ride
Fair Bier, away! To thy charger speak,
A band of Dane hussars thy capture seek;
Oh, haste! Escape! They are riding this way,
Speak, speak to thy lorry without delay;
They’re nigh.
Behold! They come at a break-neck pace,
A smile triumphant illumes each face,
Champagne of Biers, now for a race,
To Weimar for safety . . . fly!She turned, and her steed with a furious dash,
Over the field like the lightning’s flash —
Fled.
Away, like an arrow from steel cross-bow,
Over hill and dale in the sun’s fierce flow,
The Bier and her enemies thundering go,
On toward Weimar they sped.The royal lorry is swift and brave,
And his royal rider he tries to save,
But, no!
“Vive l’Empereur!” rings sharp and clear;
She turns and is startled to see them so near,
Then softly directs the lorry’s gear,
And away he bounds like a roe.He speeds as though on the wings of the wind,
The Bier’s pursuers are left behind,
No more
She fears, though each trooper grasps his reins,
Stands up in his stirrups, strikes spurs and strains;
For ride as they may, her truck still gains,
And Weimar is just before.
Safe? The clatter now fainter grows,
She sees in the distance her labouring foes,
The gates of the fortress stand open wide
To welcome the German nation’s bubbly bride.
So dear.With gallop and dash, into Weimar she goes,
But the gates to the customs agents fail to close
The Bier is found; the French have won
Crushed ‘tween iron slabs, the bier champagne is done.
[2:37 p.m.] The Wisconsin navy has departed the Great Lakes chain and now steams toward Calais.
[Update: 2:42 p.m.] The French have surrendered.