The greatest sports league on the planet tips off tonight. Yes, I’m talking about the NBA — the league with the best athletes, most compelling games, and highest level of play of any other professional or amateur sports association on this great, green-and-blue globe. Sadly, however, since its fans are concentrated in America’s blue urban strongholds, I fear that the vast red masses have insufficient appreciation for our nation’s best sport.
Basketball is pure ‘Murica. It was invented in the heartland. We export it all over the globe. And, of course, we dominate. You might be new to the game, but I’m here for you. Behold, the first annual Conservative’s Guide to the Best and Worst of the NBA.
No, this isn’t about player or team politics. Unless they shove it straight in my face, I just don’t care. I don’t know or want to know where 99 percent of NBA players and coaches stand on anything political. I let their performance do the talking, and as a good conservative, I look for a combination of excellence (meritocracy), toughness (sheepdog spirit), loyalty (respect for traditions), and an entrepreneurial innovation (capitalism!) in the teams that I love. So without further ado, here is the NBA — broken down by ideological/political category, based entirely on basketball.
Bernie Bros. These teams aren’t just terrible, they rely on the NBA’s worst features — redistribution and rewarding failure — to keep flinging a crappy product on the floor while raking in other people’s money. No one turns on ESPN or TNT to watch these teams, but they share in the profit. Even worse, they sometimes intentionally fail (they call it “tanking” — which is an insult to the mighty M1 Abrams) just to enjoy the benefits of NBA welfare, the high draft picks that give them hope and purpose.
Philadelphia 76ers – The worst of the worst. Some teams tank for a year or two simply because the NBA’s rules — like the modern welfare state — create incentives for marginal performers to throw themselves into the arms of Uncle Sugar. The Sixers, however, have raised the art of intentional losing to an art form, throwing away season after season in the so-far vain quest for the next LeBron James. They’re the art major niece in your Aunt’s basement, living off handouts while trying to paint the perfect picture. They need to grow up, get off the dole, and win the hard way.
Orlando Magic — If the Sixers are the art major niece in the basement, the Magic are the accountant nephew in the attic. I mean, it looks like he’s trying (he’s got an accounting degree, for crying out loud), but nothing he really does makes much sense. He interviews for marketing jobs, skips over bookkeeping positions, and then just throws his hands up in the air after tossing a few CV’s onto the internet. The Magic try. They really do. For a little while anyway — and then the welfare state beckons.
Los Angeles Lakers — It’s painful to put one of the NBA’s two most-storied franchises in this dismal category. But this is a present-day ranking, and in the present-day the team of West, Baylor, Chamberlain, Abdul-Jabbar, Magic, Worthy, Kobe, and Shaq misses the playoffs, tears itself apart over Snapchat postings (yes, that happened), indulges an entire season in the most over-hyped farewell tour in the history of sports, and still makes piles and piles of other people’s money.
Trump’s Terribles. Something about these teams just doesn’t feel right. They’re wracked by turmoil. Drama follows them everywhere. They’re the kings of unintentional comedy.
Brooklyn Nets — The Nets may be the perfect Trump team. They’re owned by a Russian oligarch, they gambled big (the Nets on aging free agents, Trump on casinos), lost big, and now they have the most bleak future in the entire NBA.
Sacramento Kings — The Kings are so dysfunctional that Trump may secretly run the team. No one understands their draft strategies (really, more post players?) No one understands their coaching strategies (they fire them regardless of their on-court performance). And their owner has gone from being considered possibly “crazy like a fox” to just plain crazy. The Kings are fun to follow like Trump was fun to follow before he ran for president. They’re unpredictable, they’re mercurial, and they’re more than a little nuts.
Detroit Pistons — Okay, not all Trump teams are bad. The Pistons are on the rise, they some good young talent, and one of the best coaches in the game. Every true NBA fan, however, understands exactly why this is Trump’s team. They can be in no other category.
Los Angeles Clippers — No one, but no one in the NBA complains that the system is rigged more than the Clippers. Every bad call isn’t just a mistake, it’s an atrocity — a human rights violation. The coach — an otherwise excellent Doc Rivers — whines, his players whine, and the rest of the league can’t wait to beat them into the dust.
Washington Wizards — This is a team torn up over money. It’s star, John Wall, makes — by modern NBA standards — bargain-basement wages. His back-court running mate, Bradley Beal, is smoking tobacco rolled in hundreds. He’s got one of the NBA’s richest contracts. Wall is angrier than Trump at a Facebook shareholders meeting, wondering why a 28 year-old hipster just can buy Trump Tower with his walking-around money. Something has to give, soon, or team infighting will make Corey Lewandowski and Paul Manafort look like bosom buddies.
Phoenix Suns — They ran out a good coach, accumulated point guards with the same zeal that Sacramento accumulates centers, but if Phoenix is Trumpian, then Devin Booker is Ivanka. The overall product is bad, but the NBA’s Ivanka has a bright future — if his incompetent elders can turn things around.
The Trust Fund Progressives. These teams might be decent, but for one reason only — they’re living off the phenomenal wealth and power of their legacies. But they’re squandering daddy’s money. Their choices make no sense, their policies don’t quite work. Yet they don’t really mind. They’ve always got a billion to spare.
New York Knicks — Honestly, there may not be a more ineptly run franchise in the NBA. But, hey, they’re in New York. They play in Madison Square Garden. So somebody is always willing to play there. Just not the right somebodys with the right coach.
Chicago Bulls – Michael Jordan weeps. They ran out a great coach for a flashy college second wife, they ditched the core that almost contended, and now they rest their hopes on a young/old combo that can’t space the floor and features two stars — Rajon Rondo and Dwayne Wade — who haven’t guarded anyone in years.
Hillary’s Who Cares. These guys win for one reason only — their opposition is terrible. Behold the Easter Conference parade of mediocrities: The Charlotte Hornets, Atlanta Hawks, Indiana Pacers, Milwaukee Bucks, and Miami Heat. Watch them because you live in one of those cities. Watch the Bucks because their roster has potential. But watch them for no other reason. They’ll pile up wins against Bernie and Trump, but they can’t take on the big boys.
Marco Rubio’s Team. The New Orleans Pelicans. Lots of people thought they’d be good. On the surface, they had so much potential. But, well, you know the rest. At the same time, however, there’s still hope. They still have young talent, and if they can get over the bad luck and missteps there’s enough there to start a conversation — sometime around 2020.
Ronald Reagan’s Team. The Dallas Mavericks. Sure their best days are in the past, but we wouldn’t have the modern NBA without Mark Cuban, and his Mavericks have always put the “c” in capitalism. They’re innovative, entrepreneurial, and their coach is somehow both respected and under-appreciated. The Mavericks’ rise coincides with the NBA’s modern rebirth, and they’ve been good as many years as the Reagan economy boomed. The Gippper would be proud.
The Alexander Hamilton Division. These teams are like their nation — with a shout-out to the Hamilton musical — young, scrappy, and hungry. If it’s late at night, and you’re flipping channels, land on one of their games. You won’t be disappointed. Trust me.
Denver Nuggets — Not long ago, they had one of the NBA’s most exciting teams. Until it all fell apart. The welfare state beckoned, and they could have followed the Sixers’ path into shameful dependence. But they used the system the way it was intended, as a trampoline and not a spider web. They have a new collection of young talent, one of the league’s best home-court advantages (the mile-high altitude), and hope for the future.
Portland Trailblazers — The Blazers story is even better. A mere year after they lost the core of a contender in a free agency bloodbath, a team that was supposed to win twenty games and land in the NBA’s welfare purgatory actually made the playoffs, beat Trump’s clippers, and fought hard against the mighty Golden State Warriors. They’re led by the NBA’s second-most exciting player, Damian Lillard, a man who’s a consummate teammate, a gifted rapper, and who shot one of the modern NBA’s greatest game-winners. Behold, peak Dame:
Boston Celtics — The Ringer’s Bill Simmons calls the Boston coach “President Brad Stevens,” and this much I can promise you — if Stevens was running for national coach, 2016 would be the very best year. He took teams that were supposed to tank and made them respectable. He took teams that were supposed to be mediocre and made them outstanding. And this year he’s recruited a prime free agent and just might make LeBron worry . . . for a few minutes anyway.
George Washington’s Team — In my completely unbiased, totally objective analysis from the heart of Tennessee, the greatest and most virtuous team in the NBA is none other than the Memphis Grizzlies. Sheepdogs? Heck yeah — just try messing with the “core four,” Zach Randolph, Marc Gasol, Mike Conley, and Tony Allen. They’re tough without being thugs, and no one comes into the Grindhouse (the Fedex Forum) without feeling the pain. Loyal? No doubt. They’ve built their team from the ground up and hung with their core even when NBA talking heads claimed the game had passed them by. Excellent? Try a string of six consecutive playoff appearances, multiple fifty-win seasons, and a trip to the Western Conference finals — all while no one believed in them. Capitalists? Of course. Allen spontaneously generated the best team motto in sports (“All heart. Grit and grind.”) and the marketing team turned it into an urban identity. Memphis has grit. Memphis grinds through hard times. Memphis has heart. Walk into Fedex Forum on game night, and it’s like you’re walking into the beating heart of an entire city. If you don’t love the Grizzlies, you don’t love America. It’s that simple.