The Beautiful Presidency

Beauty itself doth of itself persuade
The eyes of men without an orator.
— Shakespeare

I f you ask someone to describe the “American dream,” you will likely hear a tale of achieving success by pulling oneself up from adversity through determination and hard work. While this is certainly admirable, it is a distant second to the real American dream: to be so attractive that people give you things and refuse to tell you the truth about your own liabilities.

Such is the case with Lara Trump, whose degree from the French Culinary Institute and status as the daughter-in-law of the former president has landed her as co-chair of the Republican National Committee, one of the top political jobs in the country. As if it isn’t enough to hold that position, she has continued to release her own music, dropping a song this week that may be funnier than any cut Weird Al has released in a decade — unintentionally, of course. While people may deride Lara Trump for her lack of singing talent, there is an upside: If played on speakers outside your house, you will no longer need a security system.

Lara’s rise within Trump World follows a familiar pattern. One of life’s most important lessons is that if you aren’t particularly good-looking, it is best to steer clear of people who are, lest their comeliness constantly highlight your lack thereof. But Trump goes in the opposite direction, surrounding himself with attractive women, hoping it makes him look like he’s in high demand among them.

It helps explain why Lara, whom probably 98 percent of Americans had never heard say a word out loud, landed a prime speaking slot at the Republican convention in July. Same goes for Trump’s inept attorney, Alina Habba, who also ended up with stage time at the RNC.

You may remember Habba from her disastrous tenure as Trump’s lead counsel in the E. Jean Carroll defamation trial, in which her client was ordered to fork over $83.3 million for statements he made against a woman whom a court judged to have been sexually abused by Trump. Habba was roundly criticized for her boorish behavior in the courtroom and for not knowing basic procedure. If you hired her to defend you against a parking ticket, you might end up doing hard time.

Needless to say, if an attorney cost you nearly $100 million in judgments, she would not be granted a prime speaking slot at your nominating convention.

This week, Trump welcomed the support of former Democratic congresswoman and presidential candidate Tulsi Gabbard, who is an apologist for murderous Syrian president Bashar al-Assad and who has excused Russian president Vladimir Putin’s bombing of Assad’s enemies. Campaign spokeswoman Karoline Leavitt said that Trump “will continue to meet with respected policy advisers and effective communicators like Tulsi Gabbard.”

Of course, Trump’s predilection for surrounding himself with attractive women long predates his entry into politics. His reputation as a playboy in New York City was well established — the guy even owned a beauty pageant.

He was even once offered the chance to grade the looks of celebrity women, telling radio host Howard Stern he wasn’t a fan of Angelina Jolie’s. “I never thought she was good-looking,” he said of the movie star. “I don’t think she’s got good skin. I don’t think she’s got a great face. I think her lips are too big, to be honest with you, they look like too big.” The list of famous women with whom the future president claimed he would have sex included Mariah Carey, Cindy Crawford, and Princess Diana.

He can’t even control himself when discussing his opponent, Kamala Harris, whom he recently described as a “beautiful woman.” Harris tends to have that effect on presidents, as Barack Obama once deemed her the “best-looking attorney general” in America before calling her to apologize. (He should also have apologized to his wife, but presumably presidents can make it up to their wives by gifting them, say, the state of Montana.)

Trump isn’t necessarily the horniest figure to ever grace America’s history books. Benjamin Franklin wrote entire letters about how sex with older women is preferable (“in the dark all cats are grey”), and Bill Clinton’s exploits continue to be a topic a quarter century after he left office. That said, Clinton did not seek advice from Monica Lewinsky on international relations.

Naturally, his obsession with looks also applies to men — he’s partial to the ones he describes as being from “central casting.” During his time as president, Trump said it is “tough” to withdraw  troops from Afghanistan when a “great-looking, central-casting” military general counsels him against it. At a meeting in 2019, he even complimented the looks of Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s delegation, saying, “There’s no Hollywood set where you could produce people that look like them.”

Trump can hardly be faulted for ascribing magical powers to the attractive people among us. Hot people are seen as healthier and more trustworthy, and in politics, the better-looking candidate usually wins.

This isn’t to suggest that there aren’t attractive people who are genuinely talented or that they always get where they are because of their looks. (And people who look like Eleanor Roosevelt also succeed.) But given Trump’s fascination with beauty, Americans have reason to wonder about staffing choices in a second administration.

One thing we can be sure of: He won’t be picking Angelina Jolie as secretary of state.