Tom Hanks Is a Boring, No-Talent Hack

I was sitting in my barber’s chair the other day when my personal hair clipper, Bernard, began going on about how much he’s enjoyed the work of Mr. Tom Hanks, the most overrated actor of our time.

I immediately slapped the scissors out of Bernard’s hand and ripped the cape from my chest, sending hair flying. I then briskly walked out of the barbershop. I would rather sport half a haircut than listen to anyone go on about a no-talent hack like Tom Hanks.

Let me assure you that, while there is plenty of content to read on the internet, you are only going to get the FULL TRUTH from me.

You may see imitators. Perhaps you read the column last week calling the legendary Martin Short “exhausting, sweaty, and desperately unfunny.”

That’s the work of a rookie! Why would Slate go so easy on Short? Just think of all the social-media attention they missed out on by pulling their punches.

Sure, the writer got every celebrity in America to read the piece and take to the internet to defend Short. But wait until you read MY piece, which will not only serve up PIPING HOT TAKES but also solve the national crisis of my not having a sufficient number of followers on Twitter. (I mean X. Whatever.)

And of course, there is a storied tradition of writing ridiculous clickbait just to get people to pay attention to you. Take, for example, the writer who thought you should now hate Robert De Niro because he made a few crappy movies. Or the guy who deemed New York City to be “Dead Forever” a few months after Covid hit. Or the clickbait G.O.A.T., the guy at the Chicago Times who, when reviewing Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg address in 1863, wrote, “The cheeks of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat, and dishwatery utterances.”

A master class in trolling, an achievement that shall not perish from the earth!

But let’s focus on Tom Hanks, a man so bereft of talent, he couldn’t act surprised.

Sure, they keep giving Hanks Oscar nominations (and the occasional trophy), but everyone knows those are a scam. Take Cast Away. For my money, they should have given the nomination to Wilson the Volleyball instead of Hanks. Forrest Gump? More like BORE-est Gump, amirite? If I want to watch hours of a confused person walking around Washington, D.C., I can watch a Joe Biden press conference for free.

And did you see Hanks’s mullet in The Da Vinci Code? Who wants to watch the story of a man who traverses the globe, solving ancient mysteries, but shows his hairstylist a picture of a hockey player and says, “Can you make me look like that”?

Hanks is also corrupting the youth of America. I have it on good authority that the children’s movie Toy Story is actually a CGI parody of a pornographic film called “Sex Toy Story.” (I saw on 8Chan that the latter film came first, so it has to be true.)

Who can support an actor who wants children to watch adult movies with porn stars dressed as cowboys and spacemen? In fact, for Christmas one year, when my four-year-old son told me “I want a Woody,” I immediately sent him away to military camp!

(Speaking of the military, it has come to my attention that Hanks’s film Saving Private Ryan is also based on an adult film, the name of which I can’t say in this column. Are there no depths Hanks won’t plumb for content?)

Of course, the Hollywood star tries to make you think he is pro-military with all the charitable work he does for veterans. But it’s all a trick. What did veterans ever do for us?

Everyone always talks about how good Hanks is when he hosts Saturday Night Live. But if he was really that good, wouldn’t they have made him a cast member? They only want him once a year, and just to be a dancing pumpkin. I mean, even Jim Breuer spent time as a cast member. Clearly Hanks can’t match his comic genius.

Keep in mind, Hanks got his start on the sitcom Bosom Buddies, as a guy who dressed in drag to evade detection while living in a women’s college dorm. Of all his roles, this one makes the most sense. If my acting was as poor as Tom’s, I would want to wear a disguise, too.

If you enjoyed this truth missile, be sure to catch my other columns: “Taylor Swift Invented Covid” and “Kermit the Frog Follows QAnon.” (I can only hope to reach the heights of the Minneapolis Star Tribune writer who in 1980 predicted that a young artist named Prince “will be working in a three-piece suit in a year or two.”)

Are my takes unnecessarily provocative? Perhaps. But I have now saved you the embarrassment of no longer knowing who I am!

And if you read this far, I win.