Spider-Man: No Way Home Is a Fan-Service Boondoggle

T hey had a sweet thing going with Spidey and MJ, but no more. The new one should have been called Spider-Man: Homewrecker.

Spider-Man: No Way Home feels as if it was born of writers who tried to cobble together all the “Wouldn’t it be cool if?” ideas they found on some fangirl message board. After the outstanding Spider-Man: Homecoming and the mostly solid Spider-Man: Far from Home, this Spidey loses track of what made the other two efforts shine: It was the charm. The humble setting, the amusingly quirky characterizations, and the funny dialogue all gave us an emotional stake in these high-school students. The love story between Spidey and MJ was adorable, and even the villains were sharply etched.

And No Way Home? It’s all dumb gimmicks, sci-fi gobbledygook, and digital spectacle, and the central love story is such an afterthought that the young couple (Tom Holland and Zendaya) barely spend any time together. Instead, Spidey sets out to ignore the advice of his elders and do some of the dumbest stuff you’ve ever seen a movie hero attempt. After paying the price for his blundering, in the second half of the movie he sets about doing the same things again. I emerged from the screening with a bruised forehead from slapping it so many times. How am I supposed to root for such a dunce? I’ve met undergraduate vegan peace activists who are less naive than Peter Parker, who by now should be fairly battle-hardened when it comes to fighting evil. Also, the mechanics of how Spidey puts his plan into action are so silly that they kept making me think of the Krusty the Clown doll’s Evil/Good switch.

Sony is being unusually insistent on keeping spoilers from leaking out — I had to part company with my phone at the press screening for the first time in years — and I’m happy to oblige. Discussing anything that happens after the first 30 minutes or so would indeed ruin some surprises. But are they really surprises? Leaks about the basic setup have spread so widely that a friend who doesn’t even particularly care about the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and hasn’t bothered to watch most of the movies, already knew about it. Moreover, once the gag is unleashed, it’s easy to guess what the next “surprise” will be. The movie keeps desperately cueing up predictable crowd-pleasing moments like Judy Garland cranking out “The Trolley Song” one more time in 1969.

But what really exasperated me is that the same idea that propels this movie was used in another, far superior feature less than five years ago. Together with Black Widow and Eternals, three of the last four Marvel movies have been creative failures, so it’s time to ask whether the needle on the creative-fuel tank of Team M is pointing pretty close to empty. I’m not saying the shark has been jumped, but I’m not not saying that.

Picking up at the instant the previous movie ended, No Way Home finds Spidey in end-of–The Dark Knight mode, widely despised after being accused of murder in a message left by the villain Mysterio, who also revealed that Spidey is Peter Parker. The first hint that writers Chris McKenna and Erik Sommers are phoning it in comes when Spidey solves both problems simply by changing apartments and hiring a lawyer. And would the world really turn on a beloved figure so completely? Like everything else in the movie, the situation feels sketched out rather than fully developed.

VIEW GALLERY: Spider-Man: No Way Home Premiere

Poorly motivated actions are a problem throughout, especially when Spidey decides to enlist Dr. Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) in altering the very fabric of the universe because he . . . didn’t get into college. The guy is one of the most powerful beings on earth; I think he’ll be fine without a bachelor’s degree. With great power comes . . . great selfishness? A great thirst for résumé-building?

Spidey proceeds to colossally muck up the magic spell because he didn’t spend three minutes thinking about what he wanted in advance, which is what sets the main action of the movie in motion. This isn’t even the dumbest thing he does in the movie. Somewhere, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Alfred the Butler, and Iron Man are all groaning at the lack of adult supervision here. Dr. Strange is supposed to be brilliant and cynical; here, he’s as indulgent as a twinkly-eyed grandma. Later, in a CGI landfill of fantastic images that has one New York City upside down on top of another and the whole mess hurtling through Monument Valley for some reason, Dr. Strange gets himself tied up in knots because even though he’s a super wizard, Peter knows high-school math.

Directed, like its two predecessors, by Jon Watts, No Way Home has its moments, with occasional bursts of sweetness and one or three funny lines. The movie does contain more heart than Black Widow or Eternals. But it’s been a year of lackluster blockbusters, from F9 to Jungle Cruise to No Time to Die to West Side Story, and No Way Home continues a disheartening trend of mediocrity. Here’s hoping that in a few years, this wretched moviegoing period of 2020–2021 will be remembered as merely a blip.