Static. Crowd noise. Sound of a gavel.
Unidentified Male Voice: Zuck, can you hear us?
Unidentified Female Voice: Zuck? You there?
Unidentified Male Voice: Zuck, we’re hearing audio from your body mic, so we’re sure it’s not the connection. Blink your eyes robotically if you can hear us through the earpiece.
Unidentified Female Voice: Steve, that’s not going to work. Think about it.
Unidentified Male Voice: Oh, right. Okay, Zuck? Zuck? If you can hear us, smile, okay?
Unidentified Female Voice: What’s he doing? What is that?
Unidentified Male Voice: God, is he okay? His lips are being pulled back in a ghastly rictus.
Unidentified Female Voice: He’s been poisoned! Send in security! I want the entire Capitol Building shut down!
Unidentified Male Voice: Wait. Wait. I think that’s a smile.
Unidentified Female Voice: Oh no. Really?
Unidentified Male Voice: Yeah, I think it is. He’s smiling. Google “Mark Zuckerberg smiling” and I think this is what you see.
Unidentified Female Voice: You’re right. Okay, Security Team Six, stand down. Repeat: Stand down.
Unidentified Male Voice: Okay then, Zuck, we have good connection. We’re watching the hearings from the van and will provide you with some guidance when it comes to dealing with the lawmakers. The key here is to relax, signal that you’re listening attentively, and —
Unidentified Female Voice: Tell him to stop rolling his eyes.
Unidentified Male Voice: Zuck, when the senator asks you a question about posting photographs and removing the tags from the post, please remember to use the I-am-listening-respectfully protocol we rehearsed. Nod, nod, nod, lean forward, look like you’re thinking about the answer, and then —
Unidentified Female Voice: Did the senator just ask if he can erase his data?
Unidentified Male Voice: Yes. Okay, Zuck? Remember when we did that intensified immersion experience last week? When you were locked in a room with two dozen old people who didn’t know how to use their phones? Okay, deep breath. Go back into that space in your head. Remember what we learned: Do not yell at old people. Do not kick or slap old people. Old people cannot help it. A good person does not mock old people. Breathe. Breathe.
Unidentified Female Voice: Okay, a senator just asked about sending a Facebook email. He wants to know why he can’t print out his Facebook page.
Unidentified Male Voice: Zuck, remember what we learned in the Old People Immersion Tank. The solution comes from inside you.
Unidentified Female Voice: What’s he doing with his face?
Unidentified Male Voice: He’s going into his Warm Human protocol. Zuck? Zuck, buddy? Looking good!
Unidentified Female Voice: Okay, we’ve run the data and according to the level of questions and the intelligence level we’ve been able to identify from the committee as a whole, Zuck should signal that he and the company are willing to accept increased regulation.
Unidentified Male Voice: Hear that, Zuck? We’ve run the numbers and scrubbed their profiles and it’s clear that we’re safe to agree to more regulation of our data collection and trade-off practices. This particular committee will be unable to regulate us effectively due to their limited cognitive faculties.
Unidentified Female Voice: Is he going into the Reasonable Warm Human protocol?
Unidentified Male Voice: Zuck, hands flat on the conference table. Go into the Candidly Speaking Warm Human sequence and then proceed to the Reasonable Warm Human protocol and play back the Willing to Accept Regulation messaging you memorized during our prep session.
Unidentified Female Voice: Wow. This guy is so good.
Unidentified Male Voice: Big change from Hillary. She never quite mastered the Human Protocols, did she?
Unidentified Female Voice: Nope. Not like this, anyway. This guy is going to go far. What’s our contract with him?
Unidentified Male Voice: Monthly, right now. But if he keeps making these kinds of appearances he’s going to need to seem a lot more lifelike. We may be looking at an annual exclusive situation. Big money.
Unidentified Female Voice: Right. Yes. Wow. I mean, we’re doing well here. No one has even asked yet if the company is spying on users using the microphones on their mobile devices and then using that data to serve more-specific ads.
Unidentified Male Voice: Well, of course not, because that’s a crazy and absurd suggestion.
Unidentified Female Voice: Exactly.
Unidentified Male Voice: Did you just say “egg-zactly”? Like, “egg” followed by “zactly”?
Unidentified Female Voice: I don’t know. Maybe. Why?
Unidentified Male Voice: Just got a push alert for Twelve Simple and Easy Egg Dishes.
Unidentified Female Voice: Wow. Interesting coincidence.
Unidentified Male Voice: Yeah. Fun.