Aoww! Uncle! All right, all right, all right. Romney it is. Now that it’s settled, can we talk? About this wealth thing?
In the 1961 movie Lover Come Back, Tony Randall plays a character who is the ostensible head of an advertising agency, which he inherited from his father. The real man in charge, though, is the womanizing cad- and bounder-in-residence Rock Hudson. In this exchange, Tony laments the challenges imposed by his wealth:
Tony: I’ve discussed it with my analyst, Dr. Melnick. He understands it. You don’t know what a handicap it is to be born rich.
Rock: Some handicap!
Tony: Don’t sneer! Wealthy people are hated and resented. Look what’s written on the Statue of Liberty. Does it say, “Send me your rich”? No, it says, “Send me your poor.” We’re not even welcome in our own country!
Rock: (laughs)
Tony: Yeah, it’s all very well for you to laugh. You’re one of the lucky ones. You were born in the slums.
Rock: (sarcastically) That’s lucky.
Tony: Of course it is. You’ve got everything going for you. Poverty, squalor! There’s only one way for you to go — up. But I started at the top . . . I’ve done it the hard way!
Just like the fictional character Tony Randall played, Romney started at the top. A segment of society will resent him automatically for his good fortune at birth, but most Americans won’t. We love successful people. Witness the success of shows such as Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Answer? We all do! Look at the hype surrounding the public offering of Facebook. Is it snarly? Heck, no! It’s the biggest party Menlo Park has ever seen, and the estimates that founder Mark Zuckerberg will come out of it with a cool 19 billion bucks are reported by the media in a celebratory tone.
The recent story about “bully boy” Romney in the Washington Post is a mere opening sally in the cartoonish caricatures to follow. Salient phrases to savor from the novella-length story: “prestigious Cranbrook School,” “handsome campus studded with Tudor brick building and manicured fields,” “a school where boys wear ties and carry briefcases.” In light of such overwrought attacks, my advice to Romney is simple: Own it!
Remember Casper the Friendly Ghost? Wendy the Good Witch? Richie Rich? They were types we weren’t supposed to like — ghost, witch, rich boy — yet we loved these characters because they possessed all the great bennies belonging to each archetype: special powers of flight or materialization, and the ability to walk through walls, in the case of Casper and Wendy; the ability to have the greatest toys (which he shared) and use his wealth to solve people’s problems, in the case of Richie Rich. They all put their powers to work to help others.
Rather than being painted as Richie Rich’s bully-boy nemesis — Reginald Van Dough Jr., Rich’s nasty cousin — Romney could easily be the hero. Call him Moneyed Mitt. And he can do it in three easy steps.
1. Remember the story about Romney putting all the resources of his organization to work to rescue the abducted daughter of an employee? No? I told this story to an acquaintance last night, and he’d never heard it, either, but it moved him to think of Romney in a new light. Hello, Romney campaign? Please share this fantastic bit of Romney’s history, which shows how he used all the levers and privileges of his wealth for good.
2. The mansion under construction in La Jolla? If y’all don’t have a videographer out there right now interviewing the myriad construction workers and artisans on the job site — from the drywall guy to the bricklayer, plumber, roofer, carpenter, decorator, landscape architect, you name it — each discussing his job and what that job means to his family, then report to the headmaster. Even the supposedly over-the-top car elevator can be a benefit. Is it an American-engineered product? If so, celebrate the ingenuity of the American engineer! Is it a European model? Lament the loss of domestic-engineering prowess, or discuss the significance of global trade to the U. S. economy: your call.
3. Stand in front of that fab school with the “manicured fields” and say how fortunate you were that your dad, who never even graduated from college, sent you to such a wonderful school. Then say how sad it is that many children are trapped in failing schools. Contrast your school’s tuition in today’s dollars with the cost-per-pupil at a typical Washington, D.C., public school. Compare test scores and dropout rates at the two schools. Show charts comparing the schools’ teacher-to-student ratios. Discuss charter schools and the unions’ fight to deep-six them. Treat the vilification of your rich-kid school as a teachable moment. Sixty-second spots with the typical feel-good appeals will not get through to viewers who have been propagandized by the finest.
Actually, recent events have added fourth, fifth, and sixth steps to the Moneyed Mitt path.
4. Comedian Jon Lovitz recently challenged the myth that the 1 percenters don’t pay their fair share of taxes. Do a road show with him. Polling data suggest that Americans are woefully ignorant about how much of the total tax burden the so-called rich pay. In discussing his comedy club, Lovitz articulated in a way the layperson can understand what every small business owner knows: He employs many (ticket takers, waitstaff), invests in his physical property (the lighting, seating, communications equipment), contracts with suppliers (advertisers for upcoming acts, beverage suppliers), and, assuming there is any money left at the end of the night, he is the last one to get paid. We need a better understanding of the whole concept of risk, and Romney can lead the discussion.
5. Discuss how wealth is created, touting Zuckerberg’s rise. Discuss the punishment Senator Schumer and other Democrats want to dish out to newly minted Facebook billionaire Eduardo Saverin, who relinquished his U.S. citizenship and moved to Singapore rather than pay capital-gains tax on his IPO earnings. (And while you’re at it, explain in plain English what a capital-gains tax is.) Make sure people know Schumer’s sure-to-fail fix-it plan: Instead of fixing a broken tax code that punishes achievers, he wants to pass legislation barring Severin (and other supposed tax dodgers with high net worth) from ever entering the U.S. again. Do we really want to make it less attractive for wealthy individuals to invest in American companies, or bar these wealth-creators from visiting the country if they take their business elsewhere? Schumer is a short-sighted panderer. Why not look at what Singapore has done in creating an economic system that attracts investors and citizens? Romney can turn the Saverin affair into a teachable moment about the global marketplace in which we are competing.
6. Discuss the generational aspect of acquiring wealth. Talk about your dad: born into a family of modest means, working in the fields as a boy, struggling during the Great Depression, never graduating from college. Yet, through hard work, and moving wherever he had to in order to find a job, he rose to become the head of American Motors Company, where he turned the business around by focusing on a compact, fuel-efficient car (remember the Rambler?), going on to become the governor of the great state of Michigan. Romney’s family story is America’s story. Tell your story, Mitt. It’s a great one.
Own all your attributes and blessings, Mitt. You could have turned out to be the spoiled brat in the comic-book story line, but you didn’t. You grew into a successful businessman, husband, father, and philanthropist. Incidentally, the spoiled brat, Reggie Van Dough, always got his comeuppance in the end, thanks to the Richie Rich character, who saved the day with his generosity, kindness — and, yes, money.
— Melissa O’Sullivan lives in Alabama and drives her daughters crazy with political stuff.