The stock market was down. Gas prices were up. Home values were down. Inflation was up. Savings were down. Unemployment was up. Production was down. Foreclosures were up. The people were down. Way down. Something had to be done.
Something had been done. Many somethings. Most of them involved printing green paper and giving it away. For some reason, this didn’t work. No one seemed to know why, but it didn’t. More green paper was supposed to make the things people wanted to go up, go up, and the things people wanted to go down, go down. But it didn’t.
Worse still, new things started going up that people wanted to go down, and vice versa. Crime had been going down for a long time, but was now up. Life expectancy had been going up for a long time, but was now down. The people were down, way down, and so were their politicians’ approval numbers. Something had to be done. And something was. A brilliant something, maybe the most brilliant ever to come out of Washington, which is saying something indeed, for many brilliant somethings had come out of Washington before. But never a something like this.
The problem, at its core, was that what people wanted to go up, was going down, and what people wanted to go down, was going up. The solution, at its core, was to make what was going up, go down, and what was going down, go up. It was obvious. An executive order was issued and executed; a new congressional committee convened.
Thus began the first session of the newly formed Linguislature, which, in its first linguislative act, ordered that henceforth up was down. The president signed it immediately, and it was the law of the land, a breathtaking piece of linguislation.
Up was down.
Some people didn’t like it, but the law was the law. The nation was in a bad way and everyone had to rally behind this new plan. Politicians called on citizens to be patriotic. Saying that something was up when it was down was not only illegal but also un-American.
Up was down.
Unfortunately, down was not yet up.
The companion piece of linguislation that would change down into up was prevented from going forward (one could no longer say “held up” without meaning “held down,” but “held down” did not yet mean “held up”) by a committee member who insisted that funding for a highway rest stop in his home state be added to the bill. The wrangling went on for three days, as other committee members argued that their states also needed highway rest stops. In the end, it was agreed that all of their states needed highway rest stops, and down was linguislated to be up.
It had been a rough three days for Americans. When up is down, and down is down, that’s one too many downs, and one too few ups. During those stressful days, if a woman, tired after a long day of work, had enough of watching television and wanted to leave the couch to go to the bedroom, she could not say to her husband, “I’m going upstairs to bed.” Not without breaking the law. And she could not very well say, “I’m going downstairs to bed,” since down did not yet mean up. She could simply say she was going to bed and leave up or down out of it altogether, but that would be rude. The only polite option was to stay on the couch late into the night while her husband watched reruns of The A-Team. Unless, of course, the bedroom was in fact downstairs. If the bedroom was downstairs, she could just say she was going down to bed. But as luck would have it, the bedroom rarely was.
Fortunately, wiser heads prevailed in the Linguislature, and seven states started planning construction on highway rest stops, named after dedicated and selfless public servants, on the same day that down officially became up. This made life better for everyone. Now people didn’t have to sit on the couch watching reruns of The A-Team unless they wanted to. That’s not to say the transition was easy. It wasn’t.
People had no idea how often they said up and down without really thinking about it. Adjusting took some time. Those first few weeks, people kept saying down when up was what they meant, and up when down was what they meant. They weren’t trying to break the law, but they did, over and over: “I’m going down to the market.” “I’m sure the hat will turn up somewhere.” “The rain came down in buckets.” “Wake up, already.” Many a basketball coach watched in dismay as his players stretched out on the floor when told to do laydown drills
But Americans are a hardy people. Plus, everyone was scared that the economy would never recover — if calling down up and up down would help, most were willing to go along. Also, after a two-week grace period, using up for up or down for down was punishable by a $50 fine, which no one could afford to pay. The Linguislature had funded massive enforcement for the Up-Down initiative. Up-Down agents were everywhere, correcting people’s word choices (the way grammar-conscious parents used to in the old days for who and whom) and handing out fines.
People adjusted. They always do. Before long, they were seeing downlifting movies, looking down old friends, and doing upward-facing dog in yoga class. They went uptown and downtown the way they always had. They just said to the cab driver, “Take me downtown” when they meant up, or “Take me uptown” when they meant down. Midtown, mercifully, remained unchanged. Not that it mattered — most people didn’t have enough money to take a cab anywhere, on account of the economic upturn.
The transition cost billions. Boxes had to be reprinted to say “This Side Down.” Elevator buttons had to be switched. Although perhaps the linguislators only meant to switch down with up in the directional sense, the law was written without such a limitation, so to be in compliance, millions of winter coats and comforters had to be relabeled “genuine goose up.” Linguislators held a press conference to note that all of this stimulated the economy.
If any of this seemed to be a waste of money, an empty gesture, it wasn’t. Within a few weeks, the astonishing brilliance of this landmark linguislation became clear. Newscasters reported on gas prices going down. On inflation going down. On taxes going down. On the stock market going up at a historic rate. Neighbors told their friends that they had just upgraded their cable service or their car lease to save money. People were feeling good about the news for the first time in many months. It got better still.
The news reported that the literacy rate was going up and the obesity rate was going down. Best of all, millions of people were told by their doctors that their cholesterol was down and even their blood pressure was down. Maybe this last one was caused by hearing that their property values were up, or by hearing that their retirement portfolios were up. People lost their jobs as fast as always and faster still, and their homes, and their investments, but the overall picture seemed brighter than it had in a long time. Unemployment was going down, after all.
A nation’s morale had never before received such a desperately needed boost. The linguislators were hailed as heroes. In the halls of Congress they shook each other’s hands and agreed that they were. Up-Down had accomplished so much. Yet there was still more work to be done. There were so many other words. The task ahead was immense, but the linguislators were committed to the American people and pressed on through the night, knowing that, as salaries went up and food prices went down, down, down, hungry families across the nation were counting on them.
– Scott Stein is the author of the novel Mean Martin Manning and the editor of When Falls the Coliseum: a journal of American culture (or lack thereof). He teaches at Drexel University in Philadelphia.