Mahathir Mohamad, Malaysia’s prime minister, stepped down late last month. You’re welcome! Yes, that was me. I’m an American Jew, and I made sure it was time for him to go play cricket and visit his friends in jail.
After Mohamad’s inflammatory comments about Jews running the world, and all the political fallout (thanks, Mr. President–boy, we owe you another one!), I thought perhaps it was time to clear the air. The truth is…we do run the world.
Somebody has to! Worlds don’t run themselves. Have you ever seen a first-grade class when the teacher leaves the room? Please.
Here’s how it works. Years ago (I’m afraid I can’t be more specific), a meeting was held. After considerable arguing and complaining about the food (you can imagine), it was decided that every Jewish child would assume responsibility for about one-dozen categories of world governance, beginning on his or her 13th birthday. Now you know why Bar and Bat Mitzvah parties are so stressful for Jewish moms and dads–it’s not just the chopped liver Mt. Sinai that’s leaning to the left. The world is literally on our shoulders. (Why do you think we’re always complaining that something hurts?)
You cannot protest, make trades, or show anyone else your list, which, frankly, takes most of the fun out of the whole process. I apologize for revealing our secret, especially to Eli Fleishner, responsible for the keeping of secrets (sorry, Eli, I looked at your list when you were having your endoscopy). And so, in the interest of cultural enlightenment, some items from my list:
Weather (countries A-G): Why does it rain constantly in Bangladesh but never in Libya or Saudi Arabia? I don’t know, either–my list ends at Guyana. Frankly, it’s not my fault I have an assignment for which I am temperamentally unsuited. I don’t like rain or snow or humidity, let alone monsoons or tornadoes. My internist, Brett Bernstein (dark matter, longitudes, and mattresses), should be handling weather. He’s very organized.
Salmon: Can’t really say too much. You know how much we love smoked salmon. Ask yourself: Why?
Multiplication tables: One of those boring old jobs no one notices until something goes horribly wrong. Years ago, the person in charge had some problems with his teeth and people started getting 698 or 13,033 when they multiplied 11 times 11. The deadly flood of 1228 in Holland is just one example of what can go wrong when numbers are not properly babysat.
Air-traffic control: If my uncle, George Gordon, needs to fly from Newark to Houston in a big hurry because he has a problem with one of his ponies, does that mean passengers in Athens or Christmas Island or Calgary might be unfairly inconvenienced? Yes.
Eczema: Can I explain why eczema exists, what purpose it serves, why you get it and don’t know what it is, why it’s so painful and nasty and medicine-resistant, and then suddenly disappears? No, I can’t. I sent memos and nothing happened.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics: I heard there was a Fourth Law of Thermodynamics, but the guy lost it in poker game in Bialystok. And that’s why food doesn’t cook evenly in microwave ovens.
“The Captain & Tennille”: Without a certain balding writer’s timely intervention, it might have been “The Captain and Khrushchev.” Think about it.
Pronouncing “Library” and “February”: Why do some people say “Lie-brie” and “Febbery”? Because! Why waste the extra syllables? Over 50-60 years of adulthood, I have given you 2.3 extra days of life. Use them wisely! (My best work.)
Cell phones: You didn’t hear it from me, but, in 20 or 30 years, your cell phone will be dialing you.
Where am I going? You know how you go to the front door and then can’t remember if you were looking for your sunglasses or your wallet or the receipt for the thing that had to go back to the place? And it’s not there? And then you look around for 20 or 30 minutes, and find that thing you needed a few months ago, and the phone rings, and you forget what you were doing? That’s me.
–Bruce Stockler is a media-relations consultant and the author of I Sleep At Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets.