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Still, I’m exhausted. Among the things I had to do Thursday was debate Lanny Davis about Hillary Clinton. The whole thing had a weird, 1998 vibe to it. I half expected Ace of Base’s “Cruel Summer” to play in the background while Bill Clinton blew up aspirin factories. Anyway, I’m too burnt out to write a column. But I for one have no desire to be on the receiving end of Kathryn Lopez’s Irish-Spanish rage. “El shamrock de la muerte” (as they call her in the intern pens) can turn from Irish green to El Sid red faster than Hillary Clinton’s mood ring during a Ken Starr deposition. So, I thought I might resort to — you guessed it — mime! This is me in a box. This me walking against the wind. This is me trying to eat the jalapenos from the Sizzler salad bar but I keep getting my face jammed against the sneeze guard. Oh wait — you can’t see any of this. How anyone can say the blogosphere is so great when you can’t even mime on it is a mystery to me. Anyway, since that’s out, why don’t I check out the stack of questions from my last FAQ request. Let’s see, here’s the first one. Q: What the
hardest thing about rollerblading? Okay, I made that one up. But that does give me an idea. Instead of reading from the FAQ pile, let’s pick some from IFAQ — infrequently asked questions — pile. Q:How much
hope is there that a male Jewish conservative Star Trek fan will find
a female Jewish conservative Star Trek fan? Cue Dream Sequence:
Auctioneer: “And here we have Sharon Waxman. As you can see she’s quite attractive. She’s dedicated to national missile defense and a strong believer in strict construction of the constitution….” Trekkie One: “10,000 Quatloos for the girl.” Trekker One: “I will pay 15,000 for the female — if she comes with a collar of obedience….” End Dream Sequence Sorry. Sometimes I can’t stop myself from indulging in a little Gamesters of Triskelion humor. Q:Have you
noticed that your columns are getting more serious and are less irreverent
lately? I've read you since 1998 and you're getting more stern. Mind you,
you're getting sharper, but less funny. I busted up when I read your "Hail
ants"/John McCain analogy, but now that seems like an unusual moment,
rather than the norm. Q:[In your
last FAQ column] A reader asked which liberals to take seriously, and
you listed some whose work you read on a regular basis. My question is:
I have limited time to surf, I always catch your column, Krauthammer,
Walter Williams, and Larry Kudlow for economics, but that's about it.
Who would you recommend as must-read conservative columnists, whose body
of work should not be missed? Q:Do you
think Superman was/is a conservative or a liberal? If, in your opinion,
he was/is a conservative, then how do you explain why he wore/wears his
underwear on the outside? Actually, one of these days Robert A. George of the New York Post and I are going to go head-to-head on Marvel vs. DC and my views on Superman’s conservatism — or lack thereof — will be made plain then. Q:Are you
ready for MUCH larger breasts? Q:Why do
I never see anyone entering or leaving the NR office door on Capitol
Hill? I often walk by it on the way to Trover at lunchtime, but never
see you, or anyone else! Q:With all
the money he makes, why can't Charlie Rose get a decent haircut? He always
looks like he just woke up. Q:My favorite
question I ask of conservatives is: "What fact or facts would it take
to move you substantially to the left?" If it could be proven to your
satisfaction that conservative policies were the cause of millions of
deaths, would that do it? Q:How do
you plan on staying “hip” and/or “with-it” as you approach your 40s? Good night. Wish me luck with the kids. I just know they’ll like the mutton-mittens. |
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t’s 11:30 at night. I’ve got to fly out to Detroit tomorrow to make my
way to the 
